Not sure if you saw the news a couple of weeks back, but OpenAI acquired TBPN, and they announced it live on X. Here’s the official statement.
Now, although it makes it unfairly sad that Sam didn’t give us the money so we could blow it, we thought, eh, why not think about blowing it. So here’s the top 5 things we would blow their money on.
1. A Governor.
Pick one, anyone, because we don't need any stinking SEO. We need a standing army, so we buy a Governor.
Not to lobby for tax breaks. We want to deploy the National Guard to physically enforce our push notifications. You swipe away our alert? A Black Hawk helicopter lands on your lawn.
You will consume the content.
2. The Concept of Silence.
It’s the ultimate hypocrisy of the audio industry.
Our biggest competitor isn’t Joe Rogan, it’s peace and quiet. So we acquire the metaphysical rights to the absence of sound. You want a quiet moment to reflect on your life? You pay the toll.
We are monetizing tranquility.
3. The Sun.
Ring lights are for amateurs who lease Camry's. You want perfect studio lighting? You buy the actual sun.
We put it on a localized dimmer switch tied directly to our soundboard. When we drop a massive exclusive, we dim the solar radiation over Philly to set the mood.
We own the shadows now.
4. The First Amendment.
Why share the right to speak? It’s a crowded market, and frankly, most people’s opinions have terrible margins.
We execute a hostile takeover of the First Amendment. Free speech is no longer an inalienable right; it’s an enterprise-tier feature. You want to tweet a hot take about tech?
You lease the vowels from us.
5. Your Internal Monologue.
This is the final ceiling. Right now, when you take off your AirPods, you listen to yourself. That is lost market share.
We use OpenAI’s compute to short-circuit the human subconscious. We don't want your ears. We want the voice inside your head to sound exactly like us explaining the liquidity of distressed assets.
That's it. Then the next day, we're figuring out who to borrow rent from.
Now let us hear your 5 below.
Stay inquisitive. Stay absurd. #makestuffup
— Classic Reinvention
Chief Curator, The Inquisitive Outsider
